Good intentions
by Iris magic
Summary: Mikaela's intentions were good when she suggested group therapy for the Autobots. Then again, others might find this idea amusing too. Warnings: OOC, hilarity, bad language


Title: Therapy

Author: Iris Magic

Rating: R.

Warnings: Some implied perversions and insults, possible OOC.

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Hasbro does. I can't afford cars that expensive.

Special thanks to futurecag, for reading this

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions" (an old proverb)

Part 1: Group therapy.

**Good intentions (Autobots)**

It all started with Sam snapping and being amazingly rude to Optimus. Among other colorful metaphors that Ratchet helpfully translated, Sam voiced a doubt in Optimus' leadership and parenting skills, decisively described a long list of flaws in his social interactions with his teammates, offered him to engage in procreative interfacing with a tree and finally, after Optimus asked 'is there anything else', demonstrated medical knowledge that even Ratchet, apparently, lacked, when he offered to remove the proverbial stick from where it's stuck in his aft along with (again, opposing everything Ratchet knew about Cibertronian physiology) his head.

Before Ironhide had the chance to blow up in a just rage, and before Bee had the chance to start laughing, Mikaela stepped in and offered to solve this conversation peacefully. Apparently, she'd read a book about workplace socializing and according to it, the Autobots should have a staff meeting, for the purpose of improving the atmosphere.

To put it simply, group therapy 101.

So now, every month, the Autobots and 'their' humans sat in circle (a big one) and wrote down on data pads various exercises. This time the exercise was to draw, as much as you can, the things that bother them the most and possible solutions. Honesty was appreciated, Mikaela added. And the drawings were pretty good (considering some of the present had millions of years to practice).

After the discussion, the paintings were disposed of (tossed into a garbage bin).

**The road to hell (Decepticons):**

All his life Barricade believed that he'll die from assassination by a worthy apprentice. Starscream thought that he'll die from a stray shot from Megatron (newly repaired and angry as always).

Soundwave chose to believe that he'll die from old age, having a short-circuit in his Spark during a particularly intense interface.

Megatron safely assumed that he'll be murdered in bed by Starscream.

But after Frenzy returned with several sheets of paper which he collected from the Autobot base trash (looking for useful information), the Decepticon army came to a single-minded conclusion that they'll laugh themselves to death, especially after Frenzy explained the purpose of the drawings.

"You know, Starscream, I'll have to stop calling Ironhide an old- fassioned fool." Megatron said carefully, once he somewhat gathered his wits.

"And why is that, mighty Megatron?"

Megatron wordlessly showed Starscream a painting that demonstrated Optimus Prime, with a huge sock sticking from behind his mask, assumingly serving as a gag.

"How do you know it's Ironhide's work?" Starscream asked, voice strained from trying to control himself.

"Notice that despite the sloppy art, he paid great attention to Prime's side weapon." Megatron doubled over laughing again, serving as a bad example to the others.

"Artist: Ratchet." Soundwave raised another painting, then stood up and left the room. A sound of a crush and hysterical laughter came from the corridor, as his attempts to save his dignity failed.

"Wow, never thought he can smile, not to mention laugh." Barricade commented. "Scary thought. Now let's see… Oh, Primus almighty!" He roared with mirth.

Only Ratchet could title the piece 'The world through Optimus Prime's optics', and draw Ironhide, himself and a mech-sized Will Lennox with female reproductive organs on their foreheads, and Bumblebee with huge talons, fangs and cannons.

Soundwave finally composed himself and went back in, looking as if nothing happened.

"Frenzy, go back to that trash can and don't come back unless you've got more material." Megatron ordered, as they examined the rest of the 'art'.

Bee painted Optimus dressed as a vestal virgin (Megatron commented on the cultural context), titled it as 'the problem'. He added a gruesome picture of four Decepticon-like looking mechs 'assisting' Prime in solving his 'problem'.

"Aww, can I keep it?" Barricade asked. "Told you the kid has potential."

Megatron tossed him the offensive article.

Sam drew Optimus with a purple coat of paint with stars on it and Bee with a lightning shaped scar on his helm, and a speech bubble which said:

"You see, Bee Potter, it's your destiny to kill the evil Megatron."

Megatron checked the reference and smirked at the mention of a certain wizard who also had red eyes.

Sam's suggestion was Optimus Prime hugging a tree in a suggestive way.

Will's suggestion showed all the Autobots removing phallic-shaped objects from their audio-ports, all with socks in their mouth.

"Shut up and fragging listen." Starscream summed the painting. "But now I see where Ironhide got his idea from."

"And so it's 5 votes against Prime. Let's see what he has to say for himself." Megatron unfolded the last painting and made a face.

"Starscream…" He said in a strange tone.

"What?" The AC asked.

"Am I that thick too?"

Starscream looked at the painting and grimaced as well.

"Not even Skyfire was that thick." He muttered.

"Thank you." Megatron sounded relieved.

Optimus honestly drew Starscream and Barricade, suggesting that the Decepticons are the source of all that's wrong is this universe. His suggestion: Skyfire and Ironhide in dresses holding hands with abovementioned Decepticons.

Barricade took the painting and gave Soundwave and odd look.

"5th North Street." The Communication Officer replied.

Barricade took off, followed by extatic-looking Frenzy.

"Where to?" Megatron asked.

"Copy shop at 5th Street. Ironhide in dress: offensive."

Starscream let out a weak whine and collapsed in a fit of laughter. Megatron followed.

TBC

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Feed the Author. She tries something funny, for a change.


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